Apr 18

What if I Die?

Posted in: 'Maintenance Mode' Times

A question that pops into my mind all the mind, when I feel depress, alone and etc.

I once told a friend that “I am never lonely”, because I have those I coined as ’special friends’ and ‘brothers’, - my soul mates. Yes, I still have them around, I strongly believe that these friends of mine will never leave me, especially when I am in trouble, and vice versa.

Sometimes, when I am really depress, when I am self-pitying, I tend to ask myself “What if I die?”. Who would be there at my funeral? Who would shed his/her tears for me? Who would feel lost? Who would be sad? Who would laugh? Who would be happy? Who would feel nothing about it?

It really makes me wonder - who am I? Who am I for you, my friends?

I guess I am not the only one who asked the same question.

I guess that’s all, just some random rants after I read about the terrible issue that happened in the States. And don’t worry, I am fine (I guess), and I am not going to commit suicide, haha.

P.S: When the idea of committing suicide pops into my mind, my family banished them, I mean, I can’t let my family down, my life isn’t mine, it belongs to more than myself.

Lastly, salute to the hero who gave up his life for others. =)

12 Responses to “What if I Die?”
mable Posted on 18 April, 2007 at 10:55 pm

hmm.. mr boh eng got very random thoughts eh. siao liao kah? haha jklah. :P

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leeshi Posted on 19 April, 2007 at 1:38 am

choi chhoi
even i will cry if you *touchwood* die; apa lagi the rest of your close close friends (even the not so close friends la)

yeah, the Virginia Tech issue is scary. i mean, i’m so close to it, and it just makes it that much more real to me.
Canada IS much more peaceful than US, but it’s still scary. the people here can own guns legally too -.-||

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lizzie Posted on 19 April, 2007 at 4:47 am

if you need to chat, let me know. i happen to specialise in suicidal depression in college :)

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et Posted on 19 April, 2007 at 9:31 am

dun think so much~
If you die, yi fei will have one less hyper-fan
and I will she bu de cos u are one of my great ghreat frwen!!

[Reply]
Vagabond Posted on 20 April, 2007 at 6:01 am

@ Mable: haha, almost ’siao’ liao. xD

@ Leeshi: Hehe. xD Erm, IF I get to go oversea to study, I think I’ll choose Canada too, so tell me which university is good there, xD How close are you to Virginia? I mean, close as in really really close? Like Miri and KB? (as in both where you live and Virginia is on the border of Ca and US, something like that) I WANT TO OWN GUNS LEGALLY! XD It’s so cool.. xD

@ Lizzie: You mean you specialize in making one goes into it, or taking one out of it(suicidal depression)? xD

@ ET: Ok, you aren’t lame this time, xD. I ROFL at your comment. xD (I mean the yifei hyper-fan thing) And thanks. xD

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ET Posted on 20 April, 2007 at 12:51 pm

please dun say me lame..i’m not the winner of the lame competition in vrien-den.
HEN BU FU QI!!!!
hahahah
j/k

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Nonnie Posted on 20 April, 2007 at 3:44 pm

人在越忙的時候﹐ 往往就會感到加倍的空虛和迷失。

放松一下吧少年。 =)

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leeshi Posted on 21 April, 2007 at 10:22 am

choi! not that close la; maybe a few thousand km (lol)

you wanna study here? :D it’ll be so cool, but it all depends on what course you’re taking.

i’m not sure of your interest but i’ll recommend that you take computer science in UBD twinning with Strathclyde University in Scotland UK; or biotechnology twinning with U of Windsor, Canada.

or come join me here and be a doctor x)

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teddY Posted on 21 April, 2007 at 3:40 pm

Hi there! Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving a comment (in fact you left two! I’m so eternally grateful ;) )

Ah wells. As I read this post I am wondering are you a replica of myself… in case you don’t know about me, I’m a person with a pretty low self-esteem too. I was born as a shy person, and last year an incident shattered by self-confidence. It is not true that time heals all wound. The scar the incident left on me is still there.

Since that incident I was isolated. I keep seeing other people’s back. I felt that I was abandaned, alone, unimportant and unwanted. Nobody cares about me. I cry myself to sleep everything for almost a month after the incident. I do not dare to see my friends eye to eye. I felt ashamed of myself, I hated myself for being such a miserable failure.

As others are struggling with academic stuff, I was desperate struggling for recognisation. I don’t want others to serenade me. I don’t want you to praise me. I don’t want you to ask others to care about me more. What I really crave for is just being friends again, beeing able to talk to my friends like before, being concerned.

I ask myself many times. What if I die? Will they cry for my lost? Or will they just brushed it off - ah, another antisocial sicko out of my world, another stone off my chest. I always ponder about this question.

I’ve got a few friends. No good friends at all. And these friends have cliques. When their clique members are around, they’ll abandon me. Other speak to me only when they needed my help. I felt like as if I am just a tool to them. When they need me, they’ll come to me. And when I am of no value to them, they’ll just dump me away, let me rot, let me perish, let me dissolve into eternity.

I initially wanted to blog about this, but I think it is neccessary to tell you what I feel is what you exactly feel. Maybe we can be friends, and give each other support. You are not alone. I feel the same here.

I am deeply sorry for this long comment. I just want to let you know that you’ve got a friend like me. A friend who shares the same fragile emotional landscape as me. Take care, and love you lots.

Huggs.

[Reply]
ET Posted on 21 April, 2007 at 5:45 pm

now thats a very LONG LONG~the longest i ever read- comment~
but still its a heart warming one`oh..teddy makes me wanna hug my own teddy~sob sob!
haha!
ET

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poli275 Posted on 22 April, 2007 at 4:25 pm

Walau, wat a long comment! IS, don’t think too much, concenreate on ur studies is better

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Vagabond Posted on 23 April, 2007 at 8:54 pm

@ ET: You deserve it.. xD

@ Nonnie: Hehe, I can’t relax, 5 subjects are very stress, 8 ECAs, haha, gonna join 1 more, Chinese society, HOHOHO! xD I know, I ‘zhi zao’ one, haha. xD

@ Leeshi: Awww, I don’t feel like going UBD for computing courses, I am not sure if it’s my misunderstanding about it or what, I just feel like Brunei punya computing stuffs very… err.. outdated? xD I hope I can get scholarship but I need to work hell hard for it.. relations.. xD You know what I mean.. xD If cannot then just UBD twining lo.. T_T I know UBD is a good school (according to international ranking?)… just that computing courses… hmm… Biotech? No no no~ I didn’t take bio and chem, how? xD Any good computing school in Ca? Ca is peaceful (compare to US and UK), got uncle there.. xD

@ Teddy: Thanks for the long comment. xD I understand what you mean. Well, to be honest, I am not really what you thought I am *from this blog post*, hehe, I am kinda sociable la, but then ah, erm, I did went through the stage you are going through now, it’s tough time. =) Anyways, I would like to be friend with you, we did share something in common. =) MSN please? xD Or you add me @ cyberkid_88@hotmail.com

@ ET: Teddy is a friend of Nonnie too. xD His actual name is Terry. kan?

@ Poli275: Concentrate in studies? haha, so impossible.. xD

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